I have been questioning my choices recently. It didn’t start immediately after I turned 40, no it took a little while. I suppose it was because I was in a good place at the point of turning 40 so I had no reason to question anything. But as life makes it turns, and things happen along the way, my landscape has changed rather dramatically, and perspective had no choice but to change with it. And here comes in the issue of dying.
Our shelf
Do you know that saying “taking form our shelf”? It refers to losing people from the same or similar age. And yes, I know, this is the way of life. Older, we get more people around us will perish. I just didn’t think it will be so sudden and senseless.
I don’t know how to deal with the sudden death of a friend, who seemingly was healthy, full of life and at the top of her career. She was in her garden and then all of a sudden she is no more. Shock! Just like that, today ok potting around the next day gone forever.
Shortly after, or at least it seemed like it, another friend is gone. He was complaining of back pain, turns out it was massive cancer. From diagnosis to the hospice in a matter of a few months. And now he is gone too.
Way too close to home, or the shelf… so now I start to wonder. Do I care for myself well enough? Am I doing something that harms my health? I don’t smoke, don’t drink too much and all in all I am in good health. But so were they, until something went wrong.
The shelf above
This will be no revelation, of course, that in this age we also come across grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles passing away around us. Losing a parent is hard. The base and foundation of our being disappear with them. Life as we knew it doesn’t exist, and all of a sudden, we start to wonder about the legacy, last will and alike. The hole left after parent passing is vast and can not be filled. Or at least I haven’t found a way to fill it.
It is harder still if you had a good, amazing, great or special relationship with your parent. It hurts in most unusual places. The weirdest things remind of the moments we spend with the parent. And even though at the time there was nothing special about that moment, now it is one of the most wonderful memories. Anything can trigger tears and sadness, even a while after their passing.
Those who lost a parent will understand what I mean.
Back to perspective
The fact is people are leaving us, and most probably more of them will pass in time. Very unlikely for this tendency to change. Maybe if we discover the youth elixir, but so far at least form what I know anyway, the attempts were futile.
So I look at my life with this new perspective and am evaluating. Is everything that I am chasing or get so worked up about actually worth the hustle? On a scale of things, is it worth worrying about it all? So what that somebody at work is playing political games and trying to stab me in the back? If any of us dies tomorrow, me or that person, the politics won’t matter. Is worrying about the family feud that seems to be such a big deal today, means nothing when that family member dies. Even worse, does it make us feel bad about having it; feel guilty.
I am wondering if I place too much pressure and attention on things that actually don’t matter. Like my career, not that it doesn’t matter, but is it really worth working till 1 am to deliver a project, or getting up at 3 am to catch a plane and conduct a meeting with someone in a different country.
Does anyone even appreciates my efforts or am just a number? What would happen if I didn’t get so involved? The world would still turn, I am sure.
We are programmed.
Is it really this important to have a certain type of car? I am a bit of a petrol head, but honestly speaking, it is more about the image and the way it makes me feel than about the performance or quality of the vehicle.
I am getting to the gist of it, I think. Simply put … does other people’s opinion matter? Do we need to keep appearances? Or is it all worthless and insignificant?
I suppose not, but we are somewhat programmed by our society to act and behave in a certain way. We are all expected to follow a bitten path when it comes to education, career and family. If anyone does something out of the norm, then it is considered weird, unacceptable or simply wrong. So to conform, we all try to stick to more or less the same script when it comes to life. And with this comes the biased, unconscious programming of our expectations, values and ambitions. Parents passed it on to us, often unknowingly, because they were chasing the same thing. People around us instil it in us from very early days, “look at that beautiful dress, if you work hard and get good grades, I will get you one as well”. Or something similar, “if you work hard, you will be able to effort such a big house.” Sounds familiar?
So off we go on a mission, join the “rat race” and strive for “happiness”. Follow the rules, study, get a significant university debt, start working to pay the debt and to buy that house, a car, a Prada bag … pay mortgage, have even more obligations and feel trapped. But we will still condemn those who choose a different path.
Too scared to do it ourselves. I know I am.
Coming of age
What follows is simple in my mind. We start to think like I am just doing now. We start to wonder about the meaning of life, we evaluate. And then we act… or in some cases react. Those who act, meaning make the right choice and right decisions, do well and move on. But some of us make choices that others consider wrong or inappropriate, and there you have it … midlife crisis symptoms.
In women case, it will be provocative clothing overexposing a bit too much to be tasteful, weird hair colours (vote me in!), maybe a toyboy… In men cases typically, and I am going down the stereotype route here, a new sports car, new 20-year-old girlfriend, outrages clothing etc.
And then finally, after a while we stop, review, calm down and see what really matters.
We are “coming of age”! Yes, yes, I know that saying refers to growing up but isn’t that precisely what we are doing? Isn’t getting a clearer perspective on life, death and priorities exactly what growing up is?
Well, it is, in my opinion, and I am really trying to make the right choices and grow up in the most positive and informed way. Taking into consideration all I have experienced, the pain, the loss, the loneliness, the love, the happiness and the mistakes. I am trying to use this newly gained perspective and calm down a bit, reevaluate and adjust. It is not easy, I am not enjoying it all that much, but I suppose as every growing up process, I need to go through the related pains, in order to come out on the other side with a positive result.