I think I am a bit at the crossroads and I am not sure which way to choose. I battle the dilemma every day for the last few weeks and can not make up my mind. I am torn between several options and can’t decide which way to go. So I wonder if this is another sign of the midlife crisis…?

Go it alone or stable career.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to have my own business, be my own boss, be independent. And be independent in many ways, financially, make my own decisions, my own mistakes and own my time. This thought and desire burns strong in my heart but so far nothing beyond that. 

I have been focusing on my corporate career, climbing the steps of promotions and gaining experience. All of which is very useful and good and for sure has an impact on the person I am. I am convinced that the knowledge gained would help me with if I ever took the step of setting up my own business, but as I said so far nothing.  

Crossroads

And here is where the crossroads come into play. I am at the stage when I am not convinced if corporate life is what I want anymore. I am not sure if having money, status and position are actually that important. Or at least having this status and this position. Because being where I am right now comes with a whole load of politics and aggravation that I simply don’t think I need. 

OK, I need to be honest, prestige, position, a title always were important to me. It may be because I come from a small town that means nothing, maybe because I just want to prove to the world that I am worth something, or maybe because I am a  woman and it feels I need to fight for this to be recognised, I don’t know. The fact is it is important to me. But having a title in a big corporate organisation and having the same title in my own organisation amounts to … still having the title. Even more, I can say I am an owner or founder, CEO even! So what’s the problem? Nothing.

Am I really ready? or is it just words?

I say I am ready, but in reality, I am doing nothing. I still don’t enjoy my current job, but I am holding on. Because I have a mortgage to pay, bills to cover, food to buy, and I don’t want to put my family in jeopardy and risk losing our comfortable life. And just for clarification, I am not the only breadwinner in the house, but I am the only one with a stable income. 

So I think the fairest way to describe my situation is, I really want to quit my job and start my business but I am afraid to take that step. I am almost waiting for something to happen to force me to make that decision.

All that thinking

I do a lot of thinking on the subject. You know, the usual “what if” scenarios. I am thinking that I am not happy in the situation I am in, and I will have to change it sooner or later. I think that maybe a bit less money but more time to spend with my husband, or on my hobbies, or this blog, would be very nice. I read loads of books on a subject of believing in yourself, pursuing dreams, destiny and so on. A few of them are really good actually, and each time I read it, I feel energised and ready to go, until reality hits, and we are back to square one. 

I will list a few of these books at the bottom in case you are interested. 

I want to be in charge.

I really wish to be in charge of my life finally. I don’t want some boss who bearly knows of my existence to make decisions that impact me. I don’t want to be a number in a vast organisation that will surely manage just as well with me as without me … if they even notice that I am gone. 

I am not interested in making money for someone else. I can do that for myself. And frankly, I think its not about money anymore. It is about comfort and connections, about time to enjoy it all. In the crazy rush of everyday corporate life, I forgot to have time to enjoy the simpler things. I lost touch with it because I was too busy jetting off to some “extremely important” meeting on the other side of the globe. And now that pandemic locked me in the house I am reviewing the situation. 

I still like travelling but wouldn’t it be nicer to travel for pleasure than for work? To be able to go to places because I want to and not because I have to? And see them really, rather than see the airport, office and hotel only… I think it would be better. 

Back to the crossroads

So after thinking all of the above, I am wondering which route to take. Stay with the corporate for a while longer? Maybe change the organisation, surely there are more agreeable companies around. Or should I just get on with it? Take the plunge, take the risk and give it a go? Prove to myself if I can start something and make a success of it. Stop waiting for something and start making it a reality. 

Someone could say, stay in the employment and start your business as a side hustle. And believe me, it did cross my mind. There are only two obstacles with that. One is the contract that doesn’t allow me to work on a side (yes, I know I signed it myself!) and second is the available time. To properly focus on my business, I would need to devote a considerable chunk of my time to it. To make it happen and get it rolling. To get a few customers and start making money. Unfortunately, even though I don’t like my job, I am still doing it to the best of my ability. I pride myself on my work ethics, and I would feel as I am cheating. That is not a good way to start a new venture. 

Career crisis

So here you go, full-blown career crisis. Which way to go, what is important, who do I want to be? I seem to have many of these crisis moments recently. 

I honestly don’t know what to do. I am envious of people who took the brave step and started their companies. For me, it seems time is never right. According to all the books I read, this is self-doubt, procrastination and a whole load of excuses. Possibly. 

It isn’t a small decision to make, and it will not only impact me. Hence the hesitation. If it was me only I would have done it. I think mentally; I am ready. But my responsible, sensible self gets in the way. 

Who knows which side will win. 

Books recommendations