I never felt like this before…
It is bizarre to feel this lost and disconnected from the world around. I dream big, I want a lot, but I feel small and insignificant. Is this the midlife crisis?
From the beginning
Let me try to explain from the beginning. So years ago, in my early twenties, I thought that I have enough in me to make a difference, to change the world, to make a mark. I wanted to be recognised, not necessarily famous but significant; you know what I mean..? I think we all felt like this at that age.
And then life happened. A lot of things, mainly good but mundane and “normal”. So I started my career, moved a few times, met my future husband, got a dog, got married and so on…
Time went on, the thirties crept up and still nothing spectacular, significant and big. The feeling didn’t go away though. So I started thinking that maybe I should focus on the impact I am making on a smaller scale. People I work with, the people I train and educate. I had a few interns and apprentices… I actually did a good job there, setting these youngsters up for the professional life of business and corporate environment. So, OK I made some difference, had some influence.
And now I’m in my forties, and nothing has changed. I thought by now, I will find this amazing skill that will elevate me above all others and give the meaning to my existence. Nope.
Instead, I think I am even more lost than I was in my earlier years. Yes, of course, I know who I am. I am aware of my likes and dislikes, my habits, strengths and shortcomings. All good on that front, but nothing stands out.
I see people around me starting companies, making fantastic career choices, writing books, inventing something … and I do nothing. Some people pour their greatness into their children and make an excellent job of it. I decided not to venture into motherhood so that one is off the table for me. Have I made a mistake? Is it too late? Do I even want it?
So what now? What next?
I wonder if I am experiencing a typical midlife crisis, questioning my existence and legacy I may leave behind? Or am I just merely feeling unfulfilled in some way? Because if you look closely, I really have nothing to whinge about.
I have a loving husband, a well-paid job, pets, a roof above my head. Besides that, I am fairly intelligent (I think), I am a quick thinker, a doer who likes to find solutions to problems… But this one is a problem I can not solve so far.
Occasionally I think – get yourself together! Stop this melancholy and just get on with life!
And it works… for a couple of days until someone upsets me, something bad happens that changes my direction, something that derails me again. And the “merry go around” starts again.
It is exhausting. Is this what the midlife crisis is supposed to be about? Well, if so then I don’t want it. I’m fine without, thank you!
What do people say?
I often wonder if other people feel like this? Is there anyone out there who also dreams big but is struggling to make it happen. Are you also worrying about your legacy? Are you hearing the clock ticking and seeing days passing by without any significant impact or difference, besides the wrinkles on your face?
People say that change is as good as a rest. I am not convinced. Recently I had too much change in my life and feel that very tired. I can hear you saying – all in moderation. And yes I agree, my case is a bit extreme (I will tell you about it some other time), but if I don’t change anything this feeling will not go away. I need to do something. I am determined and want to move on.
I can see three ways out of it
- I will either come to terms with it and be grateful for what I have. And I know there will be an army of people, who would say that is exactly what I should do. “Be grateful for all you have – stop complaining.” Valid and noted
- Or I will radically rethink the way I approach the subject. New outlook, take the good and make it even better. Focus on small successes to build a big one, step by step.
- Lottery win – I know this option is not so much related to me, but it would allow me to do big things. It could open opportunities I don’t have at the moment… obviously if the win is more than a few quid 🙂
Of course, I can always remain in this mood and never change. Not exactly a way out of it, but an option nonetheless.
But I don’t think so, I will try to get myself out of this and make a difference, maybe it doesn’t have to be as major as I was hoping for in my twenties, but a difference none the less.
Watch me go!