Average and inadequate – is that my “thing”?
Do you sometimes feel like you are inadequate? Like you just average and nothing you do makes much of a difference? I feel like that, especially recently. I know that’s probably a sign of the middle age crisis, but seriously, is this what I’m supposed to feel like? What is my “thing” in life?
The Pastry Lady
So I watched this morning a cooking programme where a guest was introduced as an Instagram sensation. The lady is smashing it, makes a career and is amazing in making… pastry! Check for yourself @julia_jonesuk. I mean, she is really good, no joke. She found her “ thing” and is brilliant at it. Why can’t I find my “thing”. I’m ok or even good at some things, but none of it is excellent. I love marketing, and I think I’m reasonably good at it, but I’m not … I am just yet another marketing professional who is trying to do her best. I’m not famous for it ( not that fame is an ambition). I’m just … one of many.
Things I have done
I tried hundreds of things in my life already, professionally and as a hobby. I think I can honestly say that I’m good and some stuff and utterly rubbish at others. I have a million ideas per minute, but none of it turns into something tangible that can become my “thing”.
In the past, I was willing to overlook this and give myself the time… you know, the “ it will come” kind of approach. At the time, that was ok. I felt no pressure or at least not enough to persuade something fully. Sometimes it was fear, sometimes lack of confidence or conviction, other times good old procrastination. One way or another, I just followed my career path, always feeling that I should be making something else, something bigger but never actually doing it. And btw I have no idea what that something was supposed to be.
Pressure of time
In the last few years, however, I started to feel the pressure of time. I started feeling like I’m not achieving. That the path I have chosen is a standard line and the way generation upon generations live and die. You are born, you go to school. You find a job, you get married, you get a mortgage, and you can’t lose the job… you are trapped. And the fear of breaking from this trap and doing something different is paralysing. If you give in to that feeling, you eventually realise that you might be too far gone and it’s too hard to get out.
Am I going to find my “thing”?
Going back to the pastry lady, she didn’t start “young” as far as I know. She found it by coincidence, but she did, and that’s my point. Will I ever find my thing? Will I ever be brave and take the plunge? Will I ever find out what it is? Because I tried many things: card making, cake decorating, politics, poetry, painting, engineering, baking, interior decorating, web designing, fashion, marketing (this one is relatively constant) and blogging…. just to name a few. I know none of it is incredibly unique, and maybe that’s the issue… But I tried because I’m constantly searching. Because I feel deep inside, I am meant to do something in this world; I just haven’t found it yet. I haven’t found what makes me unique or what unique thing I can make. What is my thing that makes an impact? So I wonder if I should have a word with myself and just stop. Accept my average self and do the best I can in the position I’m in. Maybe instead of looking for something elusive, I should try to focus on the tangible? Stop trying to “scratch this itch” and have a reality check. Maybe what I do now is impactful enough. Perhaps I am making a change in some small way…? I’m not sure…