I am pretty used to taking certain types of risks. I made a few risky decisions in my life. Some of it paid off, some if it didn’t, but I always learned something from these experiences. Of course, not all of the risks I took were equal in impact and potential consequences. I think it is fair to say that I am brave when it comes to big life decisions and total chicken when it comes to rollercoasters. In other words, if bodily harm is possible or involved – it is not a risk I am willing to take. Adrenaline is not my thing.
So when it comes to making a decision, I usually am confident and make up my mind quickly. I would say coming to the UK was a risk. I had nothing planned or solid, no security, no job and barely any people I knew. And yet I decided to come and look for a job and a better future. I literally came with one suitcase and a head full of ideas. And look at me now: 17 years later, married to an Englishman, and for all the pretends and purposes settled. The risk paid off. Or speaking about the husband, I took a risk and against my usually better judgement, I showed him where I live on a first date. Never before I would allow myself such a risk. You can never know who the guy you are going out with for the first time is, better to stay safe and not give out too much information. Especially not where you live! This time it paid off, I found my true partner and love of my life. I risked studies, countries, jobs, houses, moves etc. Always somehow coming on top. And somehow still managing to manoeuvre. But now, I think something is changing. I am more afraid to take a risk.A risk I am willing to take
So here we go! As written before the most significant risk I am considering to take right now is quitting my job. I know, I know … you will say and what is so special about that? Probably nothing, but considering the COVID situation, the growing unemployment and overall economic situation, it seems even scarier than it would be in any other circumstances. This is because I am not saying that I will find a different job and then quit. No, I am thinking about quitting before I have anything else lined up. And of course, this is not the risk in itself. The risk is the situation I can potentially put my family in. If I quit the job and the stable income and not find a way to generate revenue from some other activity, then I am likely to put my household in financial trouble. Like everyone else, we have a mortgage, debts, commitments and living expenses. We could probably manage for a while but not very long, I suspect, which means that my reckless decision potentially will have an impact on my loved once and their quality of life. Because no doubt we would have to tighten our belts considerably. And is that a risk I am willing to take? All the risks I took in the past impacted only me; this is different.Sum of all fears
Maybe the reason why I am afraid to make a decision and take the risk is that I am a bit older now. I realise how many things can go wrong. I saw people making the wrong decision and then dealing with the consequences of it for years. I am more aware of the impact such risk can have on me and others around. I am aware of the potential repercussions and am more cautious. For sure, knowing more and having more life experience allows me for a wider perspective. I do sometimes wonder if it is, however, more limiting and prohibitive. Maybe when I was younger, I wasn’t so scared because I didn’t consider all the possible outcomes and options. Perhaps ignorance is a blessing indeed. Or maybe this is the societal trap – the group conditioning. The commitments we make, and we believe we want – a new house, for example – are designed to trap us in. We are becoming slaves to the system and the life we chose to live. Don’t get me wrong, I am not shouting for the liberation here, no I am just considering if by some chance our parents, peers and society, in general, led us down this path. There are differences for sure. The country where I come from, for example, doesn’t stigmatise renting as much as it done here in the UK. Many people there live in rented properties all their lives and don’t feel worse for it. But somehow since I came to this country, I was told, over and over again that it is better to have your “own” property, you piece of land. But how is it my “own” as for the majority of my owning it actually belongs to the bank? I buckled under the peer pressure, I have my “own” house and mortgage to deal with today. And how about other things like status, position etc. Isn’t it something that has been instilled in us as the ultimate goal, destination and ambition? I know it has been for me. And now when I am faced with a potential of jeopardising it all I am scared. I wonder if the risk is too high.Is it a matter of age or an invisible cage
Yesterday I had a chance to speak with a few neighbours; social distancing held – all above board and legal. We somehow ventured on the topic of risks and mortgages, and they mentioned their son who lives in London and just got a mortgage for half a million pounds flat. The sentiment expressed was mixed. One hand they were happy for him as he got what he was hoping for, on the other, they said they were sad. They were sad because they knew that this is the beginning of this relentless pursuit of “something else”. The never-ending spin, which we notice only when it is seemingly too late to change anything. It is that invisible chain we all have around our necks and the one that is so difficult to break. Hearing them talking about it made me think that possibly I am not the only one who feels this way. Maybe we all are in this boat. We all consciously or subconsciously know this is precisely the trap and even though we know, we are afraid to break out of the mould. Such strong and powerful is societal conditioning. The way generation over generations constructed this world.A bit of perspective
I listen to and read many stories of people who took a risk and won. They made the right decision at the right time and succeeded. It maybe wasn’t easy, and perhaps the situation was difficult for a while, but ultimately they were happy they took the risk. I wish there were a guarantee of such an outcome. There isn’t. And what if everything goes wrong? We lose the house and other things we hold dear. Will it be such a disaster? Or are we going to be okay? Will we rediscover ourselves and make it somehow, or will we cause personal demise? Is the risk worth taking? Or should I just clench my teeth and wait for the situation to improve? I can’t do much about COVID, so maybe something I can influence something I have control over. The thing is I have been trying for a few months now and am losing the will to continue. I feel time for drastic action is coming, and I think it won’t be long till I take the plunge. For now, however, I am still waiting, I am still scared.Back to my risk